We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking
we used when we created them. Any intelligent fool
can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.
It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move
in the opposite direction.
- Albert Einstein
People often struggle with the notion of getting counselling help for issues around relationships or mental health, like when you don’t feel happy or you feel anxious or depressed.
As a professional expaat counsellor, individuals have said to me:
“Well if I can’t make my relationship work, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”
This kind of thinking is very sad and is probably what contributes to a 50% global divorce rate by year 7 in marriages.
Others have said to me:
“I’m just stupid for not knowing how to cope with this life situation and it’s shameful to seek out help.”
Some people will continue to choose to be miserable rather than risk getting effective through individual counselling or marriage counselling that could help them turn their situation around more quickly than the current path they are on.
Our society has yet to normalize that mentally healthy people can and do face difficulties. The truth is that Mentally Healthy people seek help from professional individual counsellors and marriage counsellors! Seeking counselling help from an expat counsellor help doesn’t mean you are unwell, it just means you realize the limitation of your scope of knowledge and competency and you seek out experts to help you get to what you want.
People don’t feel shame or guilt about seeing a doctor, a dentist, an accountant or a yoga teacher or any other expert. Yet when it comes to matters of the heart or the mind, people feel differently, often to their own detriment when engaging in relationship counselling or individual counselling.
It is hard to know how to do better if you’ve never learned better. People seem to think that relationship skills or mental health skills are just innately within us. The reality is that people rarely learn the skills needed to deal with the loss of a job, or when a family member dies or how to deal with infertility. No one learns how to deal with infidelity or how to cope with a bullying boss at work. A good marriage counsellor or a good individual counsellor can help you navigate life's challenges.
Parenting skills are another area that we may not learn effectively especially if our parents were not good role models for us. Where does one learn about child cognitive and neurological development? Without this knowledge it’s harder to know what the right thing to do is. Good famliy counsellors help parents become more effective.
In order to have good relationships, we need effective relationship skills. To have good mental health we need effective mental health skills. If we don’t have these skills then we are likely to suffer the consequences of broken marriages, less productive and healthy lives or poor relationships with our spouse, children or parents. These skills are not taught in schools and many times not even by our families. A good expat counsellor can help you get the skills you need.
While well intentioned to solve relationship skills, people mistakenly take the skills from being a parent or manager at work and try to apply these skills to their relationships. The things that make us effective employees, bosses, parents, daughters or sons do not work in a committed relationship or marriage. We need different skills to negotiate a win-win in a marriage and with our teenagers. Couples need more effective skills to handle differences of wants, perspectives and values in relationship.
A professionally trained expat counsellor can actually help people with these issues. In fact this problem is so common that it can be studied! And that means there are solutions!
Many people ignore the wisdom of Eistein. Instead if we faced the humanness in all of us, we’d quickly realize that it’s not realistic to have all the answers to various life situations. If we faced this reality, instead of applying over and over again what doesn’t work, we would more readily and willingly seek help when problems are smaller and easier to fix.
If you keep telling your spouse the same thing over and over again and nothing changes, that is probably an indication that you are not effective in your communication. The same is true with your kids.
How much longer are you willing to keep trying in the face of consistently negative outcomes the same approach over and over again? There are solutions and professions can help you. Is the reason you are putting off counselling embedded in an unrealistic message of shame you got about seeking counselling help? Perhaps you need to challenge that belief.
Our relationship therapist is a certified choice theory reality therapist. She has completed level 2 in Gottman Method in couples counselling training and has over 10,000 hours of counselling and experience. She has specialized training in infertility, infidelity and attachment. She provides practical help to individuals and couples who just want to improve their lives and relationship. Call her at 90307239 to find out how she can help you