It seems when a couple’s sex life is starting to become less satisfying and amazing, many people focus on the DOING aspect of sex. At last check, Amazon is selling almost 14,000 different books that describe all the ways to DO sex. That’s a lot of ways to do sex! I seriously wonder how different each of these books can be. Can there really be 14,000 different ways to do sex?!
As a sex therapist, I often do not have anything new to share on how to DO sex. As far as I’ve seen and what the research shows, most people are pretty aware of how to do sex and know what they like.
Since I can’t unlock new ways of doing sex, how do I help people? Well, what I do have to offer people in helping them improve their sex life is how to BE sexual.
Stop for a moment and think about this. “Being” has to do with how you think. The most important sex organ in the body is the mind. If you are trying to DO sex and BE angry, they won’t fit. An angry person having sex is kind of scary and not erotic for the recipient. Same with if you are BEING critical of your partner and DOING sex, it doesn’t match, it won’t work and sex without being sexual is not sustainable in a long term relationship.
Many people, especially in longer term relationships, lose focus over BEING sexual or BEING erotic or BEING loving or BEING fun. They instead tend to focus on DOING which is about frequency, positions, toys or partners. If you are DOING sex and being judgmental or BEING worried they don’t match and sex won’t be enjoyable.
As people’s lives become complicated they are often BEING:
· Pulled in many directions
When you are being these it is really hard to DO sex.
To do sex people need to BE:
Too many couples have created a life that doesn’t allow the necessary way of BEING that would allow them to DO sex. Most people are exhausted and stressed. They have very little time for themselves much less their children, work, friends or spouse. Many couples, whether they consciously or not, do not make their sex life a priority.
If you want amazing sex, you need to make tough choices to make it a priority. If you need to BE sexual, lovable, happy and rested to DO sex, then you need to create a lifestyle that will allow that to happen. Most people do not.