Say you watch a lot of porn.
Say you want to have really enjoyable sex.
Some people say you have to choose one or the other.
Some say that porn changes your brain so you can’t enjoy sex with a real person. Nonsense. If you don’t want sex with a real person, it’s either because you don’t desire the person you’re with, or because you have issues about sex or closeness. That’s when watching porn is a lot easier than creating good sex. But let’s not blame the porn.
Some say that porn gives you unrealistic ideas about sex. Yes, that happens—unrealistic ideas about what people look like, sound like, do, want, and about how communication and hugging have very little place in sex. Unrealistic ideas about sex—whether you get them from porn, from religion, from Cosmopolitan, or from your father—make it hard to create enjoyable sex.
And some say that porn provides such powerful images that we inevitably compare our own sex to the images—and of course we seem pretty lame in comparison. Yes, that happens. That even happens to people who don’t look at porn, who have sex with someone who does. They imagine you’re thinking about porn when you make love, which makes them think about porn when they make love, and that’s bad for sex all the way around.
Some people say the solution is to stop watching porn. Probably not gonna happen.
Instead, I say the solution is to make love consciously, and to watch porn consciously. That helps to keep the two activities separate, which is the key to enjoying both.
So if you want to watch a lot of porn AND have good sex:
* Remember that porn is fiction. It’s not a documentary, it’s a highlight reel. It involves lighting, editing, and off-camera preparation. It’s planned ahead of time so that everything looks perfect.
* Learn how to focus your attention on your body—how your partner’s hair smells, how your partner’s nipple tastes, how your partner’s skin feels, and so on. Center your sexual experience in your body rather than in your head.
* Don’t expect sex to feel how porn looks. That’s like expecting driving your car to feel like a Maserati looks. Or expecting playing tennis to feel like Wimbeldon looks. Reality can’t compete with created images. We have to value reality for itself.
* Know what your partner likes and wants. That won’t match what people do in porn films. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
Budget plenty of time to explore your partner’s desires, and find the ones that you love.
* Remember that unlike watching a porn film, orgasm isn’t the point. The goal of sex is enjoy yourself and to feel glad you’re alive. Orgasm lasts maybe five seconds. Do the math—five seconds out of 20 minutes isn’t much. Learn to enjoy the rest of the sex.
* Be flexible if things don’t go exactly as you want. You can be ashamed, angry, or afraid, or you can move closer to your partner, gently smile and say, “Well, on to Plan B, right?”
* In general, talk more and screw less. You’ll get more out of the experience, and you’re more likely to get more experiences. Kiss more and screw less. Caress more and screw less. Laugh more and screw less. Whisper more and screw less. Sex—and whispering and kissing—is for people. Porn is for paid professionals. Make love, not porn.
* Ask a friendly question every time you have sex. People don’t do that on camera—which is part of what can make real sex better than porn.
So sure, you can watch a lot of porn and enjoy sex with a real person. You just have to know which is which.
"Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence™ Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org)."