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Unexplained Lost Libido? You might be angry at your partner

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Lost libdioI get many clients coming to me because they want to restart a non existent sex life or improve a diminishing one . Often clients will come to me because one of the partners (this happens to both men and women) will claim they just don’t have any desire to have sex…in general. They have no libido or the sexual desire is gone. The disappearing or diminishing sex can happen a few months or years into the relationship or marriage. Often it seems to happen after children enter the relationship.


Many couples are struggling to figure out how to restart their sex lives when one of the partners just can’t explain their lost libido. They will often come to my office sex helping for their sex lives.


The challenge many of the couples face is that they really, really want this issue to be a sexual problem. They want to make it a “doing” sex problem. Fix my spouse’s “broken libido” is often the desperate plea of these couples. I have a huge amount of empathy for these couples that really want to take a very complicated relationship issue and make it a simple doing sex problem.


The reality is that a libido doesn’t “get lost” or “get broken.” It is a reflection of how that person feels about themselves in relationship to their identified sexual partner. In working with couples and I start to examine  the overall health and satisfaction of the relationship and I will find hidden resentment and anger along with aspects of broken trust, disappointment and disillusionment.  Often the couple lack the awareness or skills to effectively discuss these emotional and complex issues.


These complex emotions imbedded in a relationship are the source that impacts how much erotic desire a person will have for their partner. Because these topics are so scary and threatening to the overall health of the relationship, they get buried. The person with the most frustration and anger my suppress it so much that they no longer feel attraction towards their partner.  Things that have nothing to do with sex impact sex in a long term relationship.


What are the sources of these frustrations? Well it is complex and varied for each individual and couple. Often sources I will see are that one of the partners is hugely disappointed, hurt and angry that their efforts to financially support the family are unrecognized and not appreciated. I will also see a hurt and angry partner disappointed in their partner’s involvement with the children and family. These hurts and angers get pushed aside and then the couple tries to have sex, this is nearly impossible. They’ll frame it as a lost libido rather than “I am really really mad and hurt by your behaviors here”. Why do they do that? Because those are scary dangerous conversations and issues that could really destroy or damage the relationship. It seems safer to make it a sex problem.


So when you are struggling with a lost libido or fragmented or non existing sex life, issues that may have nothing to do with sex could be affecting your sex. In working with couples, even if the presenting issue is lack of sex or non satisfying sex, it is important to look at the whole relationship. For more information, visit my website at www.allinthefamilycounselling.com for more articles. Or please visit my facebook page on in which I have a variety of videos on the topic.


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