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Sex in a long term relationship

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loss of desire for sexI work with a lot of couples and individuals who have a longing and desire to be understood, accepted and ultimately loved, whatever that means. Everyone craves this type of relationship. However, many struggle to get it. The few brave individuals and couples that come in for help, and they are brave, because admitting that what you are doing isn’t working and seeking outside help requires bravery, are struggling with this, but they call it a sex problem, or erectile problem or a low desire problem.


I see many couples that are trying to use sex to solve complex relationship issues, in which these issues are affecting their sex lives. Poor quality sex, little or no sex in the relationship are more a symptom than the actual problem. This is often really hard for people to understand and process.


Why is that?


Well for starters, sex is so concrete. It is something you can count, like how many times we had sex or didn’t have sex. How many times I initiated, how many times you turned me down or how many times you or I orgasmed. Also the DOING aspect of sex is written about in books. How to do it better is often the theme.


So it is completely understandable that people are approaching sex from a very tactile approach focusing on the doing.


But in reality, most couples that are facing poor quality sex, how ever you quantify it, are struggling often with deeper and more complex relationship issues. Sometimes these issues are related to completely inaccurate beliefs about sex, sexuality and desire. But more often, it is related to the quality of the relationship.


If couples want to start improving their sex lives, I often ask them, how do they want to feel when having sex. Most of the times people will give a range of answers like:

·        I want to feel desired

·        I wanted to feel special

·        I wanted to feel wanted

·        I want to have fun

·        I want to be playful

·        I want to have individual alone time with my partner

·        I want to feel close to my partner

·        I want to feel understood and intimate with my partner

·        I want to feel loved


So when we start to look at how people want to feel when they are having sex, this isn’t going to be solved by any particular sex act or technique. Instead to accomplish these types of feelings, couples need to have these feelings outside the bedroom in order to produce and enhance them in the bedroom.


In dealing with sex and sexuality in a relationship, it is has very little to do with the doing. Instead, to improve the quality, which may also have technical doing aspects, the ability of partners to be able to negotiate and discuss what they like and do not like and feel safe to be expressive requires all those skills outside the bedroom.

If you want to have a better relationship and improved sex life, I encourage you set an initial appointment to learn how therapy can help you. Please contact us at +6590307239 or email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it



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