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Feeling Alone, Even When You Are Not

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Do you find yourself overcome by periods of dark thoughts and dark feelings of being alone? Do you feel like you are cut off from people emotionally even when they are physically present? Do you dread the weekends or any unstructured time when things slow down and the alone thoughts and feelings come?


I work with many clients who struggle with this deep chronic sense of being alone. When you look at them from the outside world, know one would be able to tell how profoundly alone s/he feels. To the outside world they are often in a significant relationship, married, dating or in a long term commitment. They may even have children, they have some friends. They are educated and hold a job. Their colleagues would describe them as pleasant and nice.


However, inside the individual, they feel disconnected, cut off, alone. The intensity of the aloneness or feeling can vary over the weeks and months. It is never really clear what will bring on the really dark periods. But when it comes it is suffocating.


If the person is in a significant relationship, and as the relationship progresses they may find that their partner is giving them feedback that they are distant and disconnected. They may be accused by their partner of not listening to them or remembering. They may be accused of being distracted and on their phone or social media all the time or in front of the tv. Often they may be accused of drinking too much.


The reality is the individual consumed by alone dark feelings is distracted, because they are waging an internal battle with the black feelings and thoughts. Often in their best attempt to deal and cope with the feelings they turn to anything to distract them, tv, phone social media, exercise. Sometimes they’ll choose more harmful behaviors like drinking, masturbating to porn or sex with their partner or strangers.


In their attempt to fight off the horrible and consuming feelings they choose to a wide variety of coping mechanism that paradoxically cut them off even more from the people they want to be connected to.


There are many sources from this type of feelings. Often it is tied to early childhood experiences and the type of parenting they received. It is often a complex stew of childhood development. Then ineffective attempts to cope can have a negative reinforcing of learning.


The good new is that this type of isolation and lonely feelings that can also produce anxiety and reduce relationships can be treated. There is help for you if you are suffering. These types of states are terrible and overwhelming. They reduce the quality of relationships you experience. They reduce the quality of life you want.


If you find yourself suffering from these types of black, empty and lonely feeling know there is help. You just need to reach out and accept it and take it. It is a journey and process that can be achieved through therapy. If you would like to learn more schedule an initial meeting with our lead therapist Tammy Fontana at All in the Family Counselling Centre Pte Ltd. Please email at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or whatsapp or call +6590307239

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