People often think seeing a marriage counsellor for their problems makes marriage problems real. It doesn’t.
Marriage problems are real whether you seek help or not, the marriage counsellor makes a solution a possibility.
People often deal with medical issues the same, way, they think, if I ignore it means it’s not real. Many people will ignore a huge growth on their skin. Too afraid to see a doctor, because they don’t want to have the doctor tell them bad news or validate it’s cancer. The result is living in the fear of the unknown.
They think if they don’t see a doctor then the problem isn’t real. All that happens is that the person may lose a critical window for a lifesaving treatment. This same kind of thinking gets many marriages into trouble
Problems in your marriage are real if you’ve stopped having sex, you start fantasizing about another person real or imagined, you argue more than you can you cooperate and often feel resentful, infidelity whether emotional or sexual and when you start to mentally disengaging from your marriage and start thinking about how life would be without your partner. These are signs that your marriage is trouble.
Seeing a marriage counellor doesn’t make your marriage problems real. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them unreal or go away. Seeing a marriage counsellor makes the possibility of a solution real.
Married couples loose critical time and opportunities to provide lifesaving interventions to their marriage while there is at least some good will left. Continuing to ignore marriage problems, and let the effects of the problems ravage your marriage until it is so bad you have no choice but to face it, and then seek marriage counselling may be too late. Just as in medical treatment, if you get to stage 4 cancer often there is no treatment options left, the same is true for marriage and counselling.
A person’s belief about help seeking as a character weakness or flaw is a dangerous and often harmful belief to a marriage. If you as couple continue to do the behaviors and solutions that got you to your current state, doing more of those behavior will not get you out of your current problem state. It is very hard to do better when you don’t know better.
No where do we learn how to do marriage. The marriage skills for effective communication and conflict resolution require unique skills that most people do not learn. Most people start behaving more like a parent to their spouse telling him or partner what to think, what to do and how to behave. But since marriage, unlike parenting, is a choice, no one will choose to stay in a marriage if another adult is trying to tell them how to think, believe or behave. People need different skills. A professionally trained marriage counsellor gives couple those skills quickly and effectively.
Our marriage counsellor is a certified choice therapist, has received level 2 training in Gottman methodology and has several thousand hours in attachment training, divorce and infidelity. Call us to learn more