People pleaser

Are you a self-described people pleaser? Are you constantly trying to find ways to make people happy with you? Does conflict scare you? Do you feel often lonely and isolated because it’s very scary for you to share what you want or what you think, especially in intimate relationships? Does your people pleasing often lead to conflict with you partner? Are friends often accusing you of never knowing what you want or feeling like they don’t know you or it’s hard to be close to you?

People pleasing is often a misnomer. People pleasing is actually self-pleasing. It is an attempt to avoid conflict and hide yourself by trying to guess what you think other people want and then you figure out how to meet your needs within what you think the other person wants. It often results in misunderstandings later.

For the people pleaser, what they have learnt of their lifetime is that sharing who they are or sharing what they want is often dangerous and scary and results in conflict and misunderstanding. People pleasers often get into relationships with individuals who have very rigid ideas about what they want, they may often be more selfish and self-centered and demanding of always getting their way.

The people pleaser has learnt that conflict through intimate discussions are scary and they will avoid it. They are often in relationships that start off well but then, because they are afraid to share who they are and what they want, they start people pleasing, giving the other person what they want, they feel frustrated and lonely, there is often conflict and tension.

If you are somebody who is a people pleaser you probably have a history of difficult high conflict relationships that may start out well and they often go the same way. Or you may be in a relationship with somebody who you feel doesn’t understand you or gives you your way, you often feel taken for granted or taken advantage of.

People pleasers are people who need to learn new code around how to do boundaries so that they can see accurately other people, they need to develop the skills of self-worth and self-esteem and learn how to process their feelings more accurately so that they can better understand what the world around them is trying to tell them. People pleasers need to develop a number of emotional self-reflective skills so that they can engage in better healthy relationships and find people who will value them the way they are valued.

If you would like to shift from being a people pleaser to becoming an equal partner in what you are able to feel confident in expressing your needs, learning how to deal in a healthy way with conflict, meet other healthy people and be able to engage in a healthy productive relationship, these are things that therapy can help you with.

All in the Family Counselling has been providing therapy for just under two decades. Tammy Fontana, lead therapist, has been helping individuals and couples develop the relationship and interpersonal skills they need for healthy relationships.

Ms. Fontana helps people with communication, sexual intimacy, conflict management, anger issues, anxiety, depression and sexual intimacy issues that are all necessary for individuals to have healthy happy relationships. Healthy happy relationships are the foundation of well-being and if you would like to learn how to do this, therapy can help you.

Contact us to learn how we can help you. We can be reached at +65 9030 7239, best is to send a WhatsApp, or you can email us at

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