PEOPLE PLEASER

Am I a People Pleaser?

Do you struggle to say “no” or express your true feelings for fear of upsetting someone? Are you constantly trying to find ways to make people happy with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be exhibiting the signs of a people pleaser.

What is People Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a common behavioural pattern characterised by prioritising the needs and desires of others above your own. What’s more, this behaviour is often a result of an attempt to gain acceptance and avoid conflict.

While people-pleasing may seem like a harmless act, it can have significant negative consequences on both your mental and physical health. For example, it can lead to resentment, anger and frustration as well as an overcoming feeling of exhaustion. In severe cases, it can even contribute to anxiety and depression. As such, it is crucial to recognise and address people-pleasing behaviours. 

Telltale Signs That You Might Be a People Pleaser

Here are some of the common signs of people-pleasing behaviour:

  • Over-Apologising: People pleasers may find themselves constantly apologising, even for minor inconveniences or things that aren’t their fault. This excessive apologising can be a sign of people-pleasing behaviour, as they may be trying to avoid disappointing others.
  • Feeling Responsible for Others’ Happiness: People pleasers also feel a heavy burden to ensure the happiness and satisfaction of those around them. Often, this sense of responsibility is accompanied by self-sacrifice and neglect of their own needs.
  • Constant Approval-Seeking: People pleasers might constantly seek validation and reassurance from others. At the same time, they often find themselves checking in to make sure people are happy with them.
  • Avoiding Conflict: A people pleaser has learnt that conflict brought about by intimate discussions is scary. So, they might go to great lengths to avoid any disagreement or confrontation, even when it means compromising their own values or needs.

What Are the Root Causes of People Pleasing Behaviour?

These are some of the factors can contribute to the development of people-pleasing tendencies and symptoms:

  • Fear of Rejection: The fear of getting rejected or abandoned can drive individuals to prioritise others’ needs in an attempt to maintain social connections and avoid conflict. This fear may be a result of past experiences of rejection or a deep-seated belief that they are unlovable or unworthy.
  • Desire for Acceptance: The desire for approval and acceptance can also fuel people-pleasing behaviour. Also, individuals may seek validation from others as a way to boost their self-esteem and feel a sense of belonging. 
  • Past Traumas and Conditioning: Childhood experiences or past traumas, such as growing up in a dysfunctional or emotionally neglectful environment, can contribute to people-pleasing tendencies. These experiences can also create a deep-seated belief that one’s worth is dependent on one’s ability to please others.

What Do People Pleasers Feel After Doing It?

While people-pleasing may initially seem like a way to maintain peace and avoid conflict, it can lead to the following:

  • Emotional and Mental Burnout: Constantly prioritising others’ needs at the expense of your own can lead to emotional exhaustion and mental fatigue. At the same time, the constant pressure to please can leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed.
  • Resentment Towards Others: Over time, the imbalance between giving and receiving can breed resentment towards those you are trying to please. Consequently, you may start to feel unappreciated and taken for granted.
  • Strained Personal and Professional Relationships: People-pleasing can also hinder the development of healthy and authentic relationships. This is because the fear of expressing your true feelings and needs can lead to communication breakdowns and a lack of intimacy.
  • Potential Development of Anxiety and Depression: Without therapy, chronic people-pleasing can contribute to the development or exacerbation of anxiety and depression. 

Finding Your Way Out of People-Pleasing Habits

People-pleasers need to develop a toolkit of skills that enable them to establish healthy boundaries, cultivate self-worth, and navigate relationships authentically. Here are some ways to start that journey:

  • Self-Awareness: The foundation of change lies in understanding your patterns and the early signs of your people-pleasing behaviour. Journalling and self-reflective practices can help you identify triggers, recognise your emotions and challenge negative self-talk.
  • Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are vital in protecting your emotional and mental well-being. So, start small by saying “no” to minor requests that don’t align with your priorities.
  • Assertiveness Training: Learning to express your feelings and thoughts assertively is key to addressing people-pleasing tendencies. Assertiveness training involves techniques and exercises to help you communicate confidently, stand up for yourself and say “no” without guilt.
  • Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding while recognising that everyone makes mistakes. Additionally, challenge negative self-beliefs and focus on building self-esteem and self-worth. 

How Therapy Helps Address People-Pleasing Behaviours

Cultivating self-awareness and practising self-care are valuable steps towards addressing people-pleasing behaviours, and you can supplement them with professional therapy to facilitate change. A therapist, for instance, can provide a safe and supportive environment where you can explore the root causes of your people-pleasing tendencies, allowing you to develop healthy coping mechanisms. At the same time, they may be able to help you build the skills necessary for setting boundaries and prioritising your own needs.

And at All in the Family Counselling, we understand the complexities of people-pleasing and its impact on a person’s well-being. Our therapists utilise evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help people identify and challenge negative thought patterns, develop assertiveness skills and cultivate self-compassion.

If you’re ready to shift from being a people-pleaser to becoming an equal partner who’s confident in expressing needs, handling conflict healthily and forming genuine connections, therapy can be a transformative journey for you. 

Contact us to learn how we can support you every step of the way. You can reach us by sending a message via WhatsApp (+65 9030 7239) or emailing us at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com.

Tammy Fontana

M.S., NCC, CTRT, USA Sex Therapist, Hypnotherapist

Ms. Tammy Fontana brings her extensive expertise to All in the Family Counselling, drawing from a rich background as an individual and family therapist in Singapore. And as a Nationally Certified Counsellor (NCC) in the USA, she utilises her deep clinical training in helping individuals address people-pleasing behaviour. Plus, her extensive counselling career has equipped her to enable individuals to develop healthy boundaries, handle the fear of rejection and prioritise their own well-being. During the therapy sessions, Ms. Fontana also takes a compassionate and individualised approach to help clients build self-esteem, cultivate assertiveness and foster fulfilling relationships.

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