Has your sex life all but stopped or gone away in your marriage? Are you trying to convince yourself that this is normal and nothing to worry about? Do you still have a deep seeded worry that this could be a symptom of something bigger? Are you afraid to address your sex life?

Oftentimes, the lack of sex in a relationship is more of a symptom to underlying issues in the relationship than a problem in itself. If the couple started out having satisfying sex life and then it has diminished to nothing, there are usually relationship issues that are getting in the way and sex is a consequence or casualty of relationship problems. Here are some lies that people tell themselves to avoid dealing with sex.


  1. Sex is not important.

This statement is often said by an individual who is trying to convince themselves that you don’t need to have sex. But if sex was not important, then why have a monogamy agreement. Most individuals who say sex is important at the same time want their partner to be monogamous to them and do not want them seeking sex outside of the relationship.

If sex really wasn’t important there would be no reason to require monogamy on your partner’s half, because it wouldn’t matter who they are having sex with. So, often when people are trying to tell themselves sex isn’t important, is simply they just don’t have a better way or the skills to deal with it. They are really afraid to face into what’s going on in their relationship and it’s a form of denial.


  1. You hope the problem will just fix itself.

This is another very common lie people tell themselves. They have this idea that somehow sex is going to happen, but something outside of either person in the relationship is magically going to come in and get the two people together. Again, this is rooted in the fear of facing into relationship issues that are undermining sexual intimacy.

Sex does not resolve itself, it does not magically fix itself. It requires people to be able to have very good self-awareness, healthy boundaries and to be able to talk and negotiate things in non-defensive manners. If you do not have these skills or you are afraid to hear about what your partner really thinks or feels, sex is not going to magically resolve itself.


  1. Waiting until you decide you want to have a baby to deal with sex.

This again is another issue that people often tell themselves that they don’t need to worry about sex. They are too busy, they will just wait until they want to have a baby and then they will deal with it.

Unfortunately, once you decide to have a baby this is not about sex, this is about reproduction and having a baby is not having sex in order to create a baby, is not about love and fun and play, it’s actually a lot of work. It’s disconnected from having sex when you feel like it and often is a source of huge amount of tension and undermines and further ruins a couple’s relationship if it takes a long time to get pregnant.

So, waiting until you have a baby to address sex is another lie that people tell themselves. By the time you are waiting to have a baby, it creates too much pressure on sex and therapy often cannot work in these situations because it cannot be a cheaper route to avoiding idea for other things that people do when they are not able to have sex and conceive a baby.


  1. Telling yourself that this is just a normal part of marriage, that sex normally diminishes or goes away.

This is another lie that people tell themselves that in a marriage sex normally decreases and that it just stops. This is just something that happens and there is nothing you can do about it. While it’s true, familiarity with another person can reduce the frequency of sex, this idea that sex goes away is another lie that people tell each other. It’s simply not true.

Sex goes away in a relationship because people stop paying attention to one another, focusing on sex or knowing how to take charge of it. Again, if sex wasn’t important there would be no reason to have a monogamy contract. If you are deciding to have monogamy, that states inherently that sex is important that there is something to be protected, but you don’t want to deal with it or you don’t know how.


  1. This idea that the person whenever leave you are having affair and that you have unlimited time to address this issue.

Again, this is one of the big lies that people tell themselves that their partner is not somebody who would cheat on them. Unfortunately, when one person unilaterally decides to stop having sex, especially in a couple where there is monogamy, this creates a huge pressure on the person who wants to have sex but their partner does not want to have it. And more importantly, the partner refuses to talk about it or do anything about it. This leads to huge amounts of betrayal and mistrust and when it is extended for a long period of time, really undermines the quality of the relationship.

Again, these type of the behavior are often more symptoms and sex is one of the consequences. If you choose to not deal with this, waiting a long time makes a more painful and complicated recovery process because people who want to have sex and want to talk about fixing it and are constantly denied and ignored, are dealing with huge amounts of hurt and betrayal. People do leave and they don’t want to necessarily have an affair on their partner, but they don’t want to have sexless life that they are not having a say on.

If you would like to find a way how to address your sex and understand what are the reasons in your relationship why sex has stopped or diminished, All in the Family Counselling Centre and lead therapist, Tammy Fontana, can help you. Contact us via whatsap at +6590307239 or email tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com

Sex is an important part of life, it is an expression of life and can produce many wonderful feelings. However, that’s something that grown-ups have to take charge of and they need the skills and education to deal with it. Lack of sex in a marriage is often a consequence and not the problem itself. If you would like to learn more how therapy can help you, contact us now.

All in the Family Counselling Centre has been providing therapy for two decades in Singapore and Southeast Asia. Tammy Fontana, our lead therapist, is a clinically trained mental health counsellor and clinically trained sex therapist. She works with people and couples who have difficult cases. Contact us now!

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