SURVIVING AN AFFAIR



SURVIVING AN AFFAIR

Nothing disrupts a relationship more deeply than discovering an affair, whether emotional or physical. Upon the affair becoming known, the couple has several critical and immediate decisions to make.

One of the critical decisions is how the hurt party reacts to the betrayal. Some individuals or couples might feel the need for punishment, whether consciously or unconsciously. However, punishing behaviours—though understandable—can quickly spiral out of control, leading to more harm and making recovery even more difficult.

Other couples don’t have this belief in punishment, but the hurt party may be overwhelmed by anger, fear and hurt, causing them to lash out as a result of these thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, attempts to control the unfaithful partner through criticism, blame, or even threats can further damage the relationship, reducing the likelihood of true healing.

To help couples navigate through this challenging time, we’ll delve deeper into understanding what causes affairs and how they impact marriages. We will also explore how couples can begin the healing process with the help of professional counselling.

Why Do Affairs Happen?

Infidelity is often a result of complex psychological, emotional, and relational factors. Understanding the reasons why people have affairs can be the first step toward healing and perhaps even mending a broken relationship.

Psychological Factors

Psychological factors could play a significant role in why people choose to have affairs. Low self-esteem and emotional dissatisfaction are often key contributors. A person who struggles with their self-worth may seek external validation through an affair, finding a temporary sense of significance.

Similarly, someone experiencing chronic unhappiness or emotional neglect in their relationship might look elsewhere for emotional fulfilment.

Emotional Needs

In many cases, infidelity stems from unmet emotional needs. When a person feels emotionally disconnected from their partner, they may seek intimacy or connection outside of their relationship. Some people could also be drawn to the excitement of a new connection, seeking a thrill that has faded in their existing relationship. Others are simply longing for the emotional intimacy that is missing at home.

Relational Dynamics

Relationship issues like poor communication or unmet needs within the partnership can also be what causes the infidelity. When couples stop effectively communicating or addressing their needs, one partner may look outside the relationship to fill the void. A communication breakdown often leads to misunderstandings and emotional distance, creating fertile ground for an affair.

Motivations Behind Affairs

Through years of counselling, we’ve worked with many individuals who have engaged in affairs, each with a unique story. While the motivations vary, common themes often include unmet emotional needs, a desire for validation, or even a subconscious attempt to escape an unfulfilling relationship.

What we’ve consistently observed is that typically the cheating partner does not intentionally seek to hurt their partners. Rather, they feel trapped in a cycle of unmet needs, frustration, and emotional longing in their marriage. For them, the affair serves as an outlet for their inner turmoil. However, when the affair comes to light, it often causes a deep rift in the relationship, triggering a cascade of intense emotions and conflict.

This is where counselling for a cheating spouse and their hurt partner can be beneficial. Counselling can potentially help couples survive an affair, navigate the overwhelming emotions that come with it, and guide them on the path to healing and rebuilding trust.

Impact of an Affair in a Marriage

Emotional and Psychological Consequences

The emotional fallout from an affair can be devastating. Trust is shattered, and the hurt partner may experience intense emotional trauma, which can lead to long-lasting effects on self-esteem and mental health. Feelings of betrayal often manifest as anger, sadness, and confusion, leaving the hurt partner questioning their own worth.

Relationship Dynamics

An affair can completely alter the dynamics within a relationship. Communication often becomes strained, and there may be a shift in the power balance between partners, with one feeling superior or resentful. These changes can further damage the relationship, making it even harder to rebuild trust and intimacy.

Surviving an Affair

When faced with the aftermath of an affair, the goal should always be to repair and improve the relationship, not simply return to how things were before. Reverting to the old dynamics may risk a further breakdown in the marriage, as the underlying issues that led to the affair remain unresolved. True healing requires both individuals to take responsibility and commit to meaningful changes.

Here are several strategies that could help couples navigate this difficult period and rebuild a stronger relationship.

Prioritise Self-Care

In the wake of an affair, emotions can run high for both partners. It’s critical for each individual to take time to focus on their own well-being. Self-care is not just about physical health but emotional healing, too.

Engaging in activities that nurture the mind and body—whether through mindfulness, exercise, or spending time with supportive friends—helps both partners cope with the pain in a healthy way. This period of self-reflection and healing provides the emotional strength needed to approach the relationship with a clearer mindset.

Rebuild Trust Through Open Communication

Trust is a significant pillar in any relationship, and after an affair, it can feel almost impossible to restore. However, through open, honest, and guided communication, couples can slowly begin to rebuild trust.

Counselling can be beneficial in this aspect, helping partners express their feelings about the affair in a safe, structured environment. It also teaches communication techniques, such as active listening and speaking without blame, which can reduce misunderstandings and defensive reactions.

By creating a space for vulnerable, transparent conversations, couples can begin to heal the wounds and rebuild a foundation of trust.

Engage in Intimacy-Building Activities

Beyond emotional healing, restoring intimacy is key to reconnecting after infidelity. With counselling, couples will learn exercises designed to help them rebuild both emotional and physical intimacy after the affair. This might involve rediscovering shared hobbies, taking time to engage in deep conversations, or exploring new ways to connect on an intimate level.

It’s important to approach these exercises at a pace that feels comfortable for both partners, gradually reestablishing the closeness that has been damaged. Physical intimacy, when approached with understanding and care, can potentially help reaffirm the emotional bond and aid couples in surviving an affair.

Establish Boundaries and Set Expectations

For a relationship to heal, both partners need to feel secure, and that starts with clear boundaries. After an affair, it’s common for feelings of insecurity to arise, which could lead to controlling or defensive behaviours.

Establishing healthy boundaries during your counselling sessions can prevent these behaviours from eroding trust further. This process may include defining what is and isn’t acceptable moving forward, clarifying expectations about honesty and transparency, and creating mutual agreements that ensure each partner’s emotional and physical needs are being met.

By setting and respecting these boundaries, couples create a new framework for trust and accountability, which is essential for long-term recovery.

While couples can attempt to repair and improve their relationship on their own, working with a professional, particularly a marriage counsellor, can be advantageous. A counsellor has the skills and training in human development, relationships, brain functioning, and various counselling theories to help guide couples in mending their relationship. They can assist both spouses in addressing various challenges to improve the relationship. Couples can also learn skills and exercises that could help in promoting better communication, sexual intimacy, friendship and trust in the marriage.

Have the guidance and tools you and your partner need to overcome the challenges of an affair when you work with our counsellor, Tammy Fontana, at All in the Family Counseling Centre Pte. Ltd (AITFC). She can work with you and your partner through infidelity recovery, giving you a safe space to share your thoughts and work out your differences so you can repair your trust and strengthen your relationship.

Through couples and individual counselling in Singapore, you’ll learn effective communication techniques, navigate complex emotions and potentially restore emotional and physical intimacy. To learn more about affair recovery and how counselling can help, contact us at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com or call +65 9030 7239.

Tammy Fontana

Tammy Fontana, M.S., NCC, CTRT, is a US-certified Sex Therapist and Hypnotherapist with extensive experience as an individual and family therapist in Singapore. At All in the Family Counselling, her practice focuses on helping clients navigate anxiety, depression, and challenges related to loneliness and the fear of being alone.

Tammy is a proud member of the American Counselling Association (ACA), the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors, and Therapists (AASECT), and the National Board of Certified Counsellors.

Through her compassionate and personalised approach, Tammy guides individuals on a path of self-discovery, helping them build healthier relationships. Her passion for creating lasting, positive change empowers clients to overcome autophobia and lead more fulfilling lives.