Talking about nonsex stuff

Talking about nonsex stuff

Are you considering doing sex therapy to help your sex life and intimacy? Have you been spending a lot of time looking at different ways to have sex? Are you wondering what position or techniques to try? Are you confused as to why you and your partner are not having sex? Have you tried a sex therapy session and were confused by it?

One of the initial things that happens when people come in for what they consider a sex therapy session, is how much nonsex stuff we talk about. In the beginning of a sex therapy session I am getting to know the couple. I’m asking them about who they are individually, what do they like to do for fun, about their family, their relationships, their work, what do they like to do as a couple, how did they meet, do they have pets. I really want to get to know the people and sometimes people in the session will be: ”Why are we talking about all this stuff? Why are we not talking about sex?”. What I’m telling them is: ”This is how we talk about sex. You have to understand the relationship, you have to understand how do you get along, how do you communicate, do you guys have fun outside of the bedroom.”

Too often people disconnect sex from the rest of their lives. They want sex to occur in a relationship where they are disconnected, there is maybe anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, people might be frustrated at the way their partner is parenting or not parenting, perhaps they are disappointed with how their partner’s body has changed – they’ve gained weight, they’ve gotten out of shape, maybe they are smoking or drinking too much. All of these things affect how we feel about our partner and our motivation to have sex with them. If I’m living with a partner who has disappointed me, who has let me down, who has not delivered what I expected from a partner, this will affect my motivation.

For many couples, they don’t want to face into these very complicated and sticky matters. They just somehow want sex to happen, as though you are putting a coin in a slot machine. This way of thinking about sex and approaching sex is part of the problem. They want sex therapy to be the way they want it to be and that also creates a problem.

So, when we are dealing with sex therapy, sex therapy is about dealing with your relationship. As a sex therapist and a relationship counsellor I have huge experience in dealing with individual mental health issues, relationship issues and couples issues. These are all of the skills and things we need to be able to have good sex, to be able to do the doing that goes with the sex. So, if you would like to learn more about how sex therapy might help you, how you can start to get a better relationship, communicate better, get the joy and pleasure you are longing for out of sex, contact us to learn how we can help you at +65 9030 7239 or email us at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com.

All In The Family Counselling Center is Southeast Asia and Singapore’s longest most established counselling center. Tammy Fontana, our expat English-speaking therapist, has extensive experience in sex therapy, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus and other sexual dysfunctional problems. If you would like help, to learn how we can help you contact us now.